There Will Be Time - 9/26/17

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You hear it said all the time how going on a mission trip changes a person forever. How the kids in whatever country have stolen a persons heart and opened their eyes to so much beauty. How the Lord has worked in someone's heart and has given them a new outlook on life. Well I have a little bit to say about all of that, and then some.
I won't say I am changed forever, not right now. Because I'm not done being changed. I am still changing, and the Lord is still working in me. I am the same person that I was when I left at the beginning the month, but I hope to be better as the trip goes on.
Yes, the people here have changed how I look at some things. I am so thankful for that, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But honestly speaking, while I love working with the children here, I don't think kids ministry is for me. I know I have a heart for it because Jesus has a heart for it, and his heart is mine. But I do not want to pursue it when I get back home. Not right now, anyway. That could change, because I could change. 
What people sometimes don't say when they go on the mission field is this: it is hard.
Sometimes you wish you hadn't come because the FOMO is hitting you and you miss home and your family. And the biggest question I have right now is this: who is doing my job back home? Who is ministering to my friends and my family while I am on the other side of the world?
While on this trip, I have worried constantly about this. I have been forced to think about what I avoided when I was home. I do not know if my family believes in God, and I do not know where they stand in knowing I believe. I invite my family to church and events my church puts on, praying that something will minister to their hearts. Sometimes I am joined, sometimes I am not. There are unique backstories to each member of my family that give them all very different opinions and ideas about church in general. I understand that.
Religion has never been something widely discussed within my immediate family. My parents made the decision to let me choose whether or not I wanted to be a part of church when I was old enough to decide for myself. I respect that so much, and I appreciate it tremendously.
Jesus came and swept me off my feet in the most amazing love story one could ever tell. Bringing beauty from ashes, and releasing me from my bondage of depression, anxiety, and fear. Choosing to follow Christ was the best decision I ever made, and will ever make in my life. And I want nothing more than to share that with those I love most: my family. But how can I do that when I am not there? Who is inviting my family to church, and who is coming home from church on Sundays telling about the message they learned that morning? Who is planting seeds, and who is bringing joy through Christ? Who is slowly trying to share the change happening in their heart, through Christ alone?
While in prayer, I realized something great. I am not the one with the power to save and to change. Only Jesus can do that. Jesus is working here in Kampong Cham, Cambodia, so why am I doubting his work in Daphne, Alabama? Jesus is changing lives here, so I should trust he is changing lives back home, slowly but surely. Whether I am there or not! I trust my family and my friends are seeing me change for the better. I am praying they take that change to heart. But ultimately, it is not my fault if they do not come to know the reason why. Just like it is not my fault if they do. The feeling of letting God down by leaving my family at home has left me. As my teammate Courtney told me, "You're not strong enough to hold God up, so how can you let him down."
I love my family, I love my friends, and I love my God. In this season of growth, it is important to focus on growing. It took me a few weeks to get that through my head, but it has landed finally. I am no longer worried about back home, and I am not even worried about being here. My God told me to come here, and I did. My God also told me not to worry, so I will not worry. Margaret is not the one who saves, that's God.
All the love,
Margo

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